Scary Baguettes

As Halloween approaches, one Twitter user is asking a serious question: “As it’s Halloween, which baguette is the most scary? Give your reasoning pls,” Dave (@sheepfilms) asked alongside a GIF that shows four baguettes of varying spookiness. 

Some people thought the ghost baguette was the scariest.

“Too many unknowns,” tweeted @silentMacaroni. “It looks like it's galloping. Does that mean it has legs hiding under the sheet? What do those legs look like? If there are no legs and it's just floating, why is it bobbing up and down like that? Is it actually a long baguette or two smaller ones end to end.”

One person thought the pumpkin baguette wasn’t getting the credit he deserved. 

“people are sleeping on my boy pumpkin baguette, with those delicate bread feet,” tweeted @DylanLugu. “he is very sneaky and with those sharp set of teeth he most certainly could destroy your leg causing you to fall and then rip your throat out. So number 1 with the sneaky but fierce approach wins.”

Others thought it was a toss up between the skeleton baguette and the spider baguette. 

“I would say 3 and 4, because they look like unknown creatures and you don’t understand how they see, eat and so on since they have no face,” tweeted @CricketSalazar. “The most scary is 3 tho, because you can’t also understand how it will attack (and it can hide almost anywhere).”

Dave/@sheepfilms posted a poll to settle the debate once and for all. The overwhelming majority (61% at the time of publishing) voted for the No. 3, the skeleton baguette. 

But is the majority correct?

Because I’m a serious journalist, I’m going to break this down, baguette by baguette: 

1. Pumpkin

The first baguette is a pumpkin with bread legs. Not spooky on the surface, but its “knees” are bent at an alarming angle and its  gait is troubling. 

Scary baguette, but not the scariest baguette. 

2. Ghost

I like this baguette. He looks friendly and has a Charlie Brown-like wholesomeness about him. This ghost baguette is adorable, but not scary. 

3. Skeleton

I HATE THIS BAGUETTE. Why does it have scales?! Or—oh, dear God—are they gills?! It’s speedy slithering and serpentine movements are unnatural for bread and I can’t decide if it’s supposed to be a snake or an alien. This baguette needs to be killed with fire. 

4. Spider 

I’m torn about this baguette. It reminds me of when, in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Professor Lupin asks the class to overcome their worst fears by turning shapeshifting boggarts into something funny. When Ron was faced with a giant tarantula, he successfully performed the boggart-banishing spell and roller skates appeared on the spider’s eight legs. 

This is like that, but instead of roller skates this spider is bread. This baguette is not scary, but it is nostalgic. 

Well, folks—I feel like the answer to Dave’s question is abundantly clear. The people have spoken and the people are correct: Baguette No. 3 is the scariest baguette. 

Anyway, happy Halloween.

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